Colorado recently made Esquire’s Greatest Celebrity Conspiracy Theories of All Time. The state’s top conspiracy theory: JonBenet Ramsey did not die in 1996 but grew up to be singer Katy Perry. That’s not the only Colorado-based conspiracy theory. Think Cheyenne Mountain’s impenetrable caverns contain NORAD? That’s what they want you to think. It’s actually where the government initiates alien contact. Believe the US Department of Commerce Boulder Labs conduct electromagnetic experiments? Nope, mind control. DIA sits on agricultural land? It’s really cover for an underground military facility. And by the way, DIA’s Blue Stallion is cursed, like the chupacabra (or is it aliens?) that attack cattle in the San Luis Valley.
Clearly Coloradans have fertile minds. Now is the time to apply the underappreciated skill of postulating the improbable. It’s the political season. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have done a passable job breathing new life into old conspiracy theories. The Clintons were involved in the death of Vince Foster. Ted Cruz’s dad conspired with Lee Harvey Oswald in the assassination of President JFK. President Obama is secretly a Muslim from Kenya. Hillary and Bill Clinton’s woes are the fault of a “vast right-wing conspiracy” that continues to victimize her to this day. Dark money from the Koch Brothers is determining the outcome of the election. Republicans are disenfranchising voters by requiring photo ID. Frankly, these theories seem a little stale, even when delivered with the appropriate level of outrage by the candidates.
A serious conspiracy theory should involve, at the very least, FEMA, the Council on Foreign Relations, Masons, the Pope, media collaborators, Monsanto, and people we thought were dead. There should be lasers, offshore accounts, tampered juries, midnight legislation, and decoder rings. We need superior subterfuge, more machinations, bigger cabals.
Fortunately, you can help! The dry state of conspiracy theories needs you Colorado to apply yourself to the task of concocting conspiracy theories that are actually worth the tinfoil hat. It’s intimidating to start a conspiracy theory from scratch, especially if you’re used to thinking logically, but you don’t have to duplicate the unhinged lunacy of a morning talk show host on your first try. We’ll help you get started. www.conspiracymadlibz.com enables theorists to create fresh, new conspiracy theories from five templates and a generous list of collaborators, institutions, locales, means, and ends. The finished product can be posted on Facebook or printed.
Without fresh conspiracy theories this election, all we’re likely to hear about is how the Establishment is behind everything. That’s a real yawner. We desperately need something to distract us from the sad truth of this election. Without something on which to blame it all, we might accept some responsibility. You don’t have to be a demagogue or a nut job to make a difference. You, too, can be a conspiracy theorist.
Krista Kafer (firstname.lastname@example.org) is co-host of “Kelley and Kafer” airing 4 to 7 p.m. on 710 KNUS.